Lonely

i know we arent the best of chums and have no real connection and this probably sounds insanely odd and stupid coming from me but...if you do want a hug and a shoulder to vent some tears on, i'm here if you want.

It doesn't sound odd or stupid... but thanks.

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dont be sad!! :: gives megan a internet hug ::
i may not be in germany, but im still here!

Okay, my last comment was a complete way to shirk off a response because I just didn't know what to say. This is probably too late to mean much, but I've given it more thought. Quite frankly, I still don't know what to say, but here's more words anyways just because I have nothing else to do. Okay, so that's a lie, I have plenty to do. I just don't like leaving you alone and I hate to see you down. Yet I can't help but feel that every time I try to help, it only makes things worse. I should shut up now because none of this will probably make any sense, but if there's even the slightest chance of helping please continue. One day, I will learn to keep my mouth shut.

I too never ask for help so I know how you feel. I think you are the only person I could ever ask for anything, but I still can't even do that. But it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. I'm at a loss for words and a lost place in my life. My thoughts and feelings are constantly mixed and only confuse me. In fact, just the other day I posted about everyone else's thoughts and beliefs interfering with my own. I don't know what to think anymore. About anything really.

I wish it were as easy as saying don't be lonely or showing up at your doorstep. I know you've got more friends than you know what to do with and if any of them care even half as much about you as I do, they are there for you whether you think they are or not. As much as I wish I could be the one to help, I can't continue going on thinking that I'm the only one here to help. I see from the other posts and know some of your other friends, and they can offer the same things that I can. I could say I love you more, but who can measure love. I could make a million promises that I don't even know that I could keep. I can't make you happy no matter what I try. But when you're around, I can look at you and smile and hope you forget all the things that make you sad and lonely even if for just a few seconds. And I can hold you when you need to be held to comfort you whenever you need it. I just need the chance.

Maybe this is a rhetorical question, but why does this make me cry? Is it because I miss you so damn much or am I just that sympathetic. It really doesn't matter, but I'm glad I feel this way because it reminds me that I'm not simply being selfish and thinking about myself all the time.

This time around I have no advice. Even if I did, it would probably be irrational and overlooked. I don't know how to make things any easier. I could try to explain my findings on codependency, but who am I kidding, I'm no psychiatrist or psychologist. And if I ended up just making things worse I'd only be driving you further away and I couldn't forgive myself for causing you any more pain.